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No More Running Away
Vivian
When I was young, I grew up with my grandma, who was a Christian. She told me from a young age that a child of God has nothing to be afraid of, because Jesus is with us. I did not really understand that and just thought my grandma had a powerful friend named “Jesus”. I never sincerely tried to know God. As I grew, faith didn’t mean anything to me, except that every time I took a test I just needed to look to my grandma’s old friend to bless me with a good score. My life was in a bit of a mess when I went to college and it was then that I began to know the Lord through the campus fellowship. It was the Lord’s special mercy and blessing that He brought me to England to study for two years, so that I could know God more and experience Him more deeply.
I returned to China in the fall of 2015, and the change of environment made it very difficult for me to adjust. I had been in a loving, truth-filled fellowship in the UK, where the teaching of the church, the freedom of religion in society, and the power of the Word we enjoyed came so naturally to us that we took it for granted. We dreamed that we would be able to do great things for the Lord after graduation, but the deepest feelings of returnees are sometimes like a bubble being popped. First comes a feeling of panic, not being able to adapt to the restricted environment and feeling uneasy in society. I thought about ways to escape. There must be an easier way. I considered applying to schools abroad again to continue my studies. However, in the process of preparing for interviews, looking for a job, and finding a place to live, I clearly saw God was leading me to stay in China. I couldn’t help but marvel: Wow, I am in the real world, actually! I was both excited and subconsciously desparate.
I was excited that the life lessons that I had learned in the UK seemed to have finally found a practice ground at home. As a Chinese proverb says, “You can tell if it’s a mule or a horse by taking it for a walk.” (meaning, “Your actions will reveal who you really are.”) On one hand, I was excited that my faith could be tested in this way; but on the other hand, the more I was tested, the more I panicked. It was all too difficult. When I was with my colleagues at work, the faith that I had thought was sufficient to deal with life seemed to be merely theoretical, like a powerless and helpless little flower bud in the world. I was discouraged by too many things, including my uncontrollable circumstances and my failure to fulfil my own spiritual ambitions. I have to admit that I had become timid and scared. I felt so inadequate to face the challenges before me that I was blind to God’s will. It was too easy for me to ask for his blessings, but forget his great plan to save the world.
I was working for an international company where my coworkers pursued the so-called “American lifestyle”, tattoos, bar hopping, messy sexual relationships, and pursuit of everything that made them look cool and sophisticated. I didn’t fit in, but to be honest I didn’t want to, and I didn’t care. Like a Pharisee, I judged my colleagues by my moral standards. I avoided team-building events whenever I could. I went out alone for lunch, so I didn’t have to hear their gossip, and when my coworkers went out after work for a late-night snack, I did not want to join them. I became quite a loner, but I knew in my heart that I was not happy. Compared to campus life, the biggest challenge with working was that there was no way for me to take time off and rest. I felt that there was no way to do the things I wanted to do, and it felt like my whole person was bound up by the rules of the world, without any freedom. At my lowest point, I would often wake to thoughts of how I might justify taking a leave from my work. I was so excited when I came down with a cold or a fever because I finally had a valid reason to take a day off. Whenever I met with other Christian brothers and sisters who had also returned from the UK, we would laugh together as we shared our stories about our various challenges as if there was no worse situation on earth.
Suddenly one day, I came to understand God’s heart. I was thinking, “Lord, why do you let us go through all this? We would have preferred not to have experienced all the good things we did while overseas, and life back home would not look so strange now”. But God helped me to see that he knew the raggedness and filthiness of the world much better than I did. He sent His only Son, Jesus, into this world in the likeness of a man and give himself up for us, going to places where no one else wanted to go, healing the sick, ministering to prostitutes, and tax collectors, and fellowshipping with them. What mercy and kindness! I felt humbled before God. I was so full of pride. I prayed every day, asking the Lord to arrange a work environment that would be beneficial to me, and subconsciously I thought that was the way God would bless me.
My thinking had completely changed and I asked God to help me become a servant who is a blessing to those around me, to experience not only the struggles and brokenness of loving people, but also the fullness and sweetness of walking with God. My circumstances didn’t get better, but by leaning on God as I engaged with the world, I was no longer held back by my timidity. I attended company social events and listened carefully to the colleagues’ discussions about topics they were concerned about. I learned how the world binds and blinds the hearts of people. I realized that it wasn’t really my coworkers who were the problem, it was me who had isolated myself from them and hadn’t even given myself a chance to know them. My self-righteousness and pride had been blocking God’s ability to love people through me.
Until then, I had thought I was willing to do the Lord’s work out of love for him. If he called me to go to Africa, I was willing. But I never thought about why he hadn’t taken me to Africa. Wasn’t it his calling and his will that I be working in my current company? If a servant is not faithful in small things, his master will not give him bigger things to do.
He did not intend for us to just stay isolated in the church, content to just related to one another, judging others like the Pharisees, and not having anything to do with the lost world. The biggest lesson I learned is that our holy God who set us apart from the world, is sending us into the world to influence the lost world for him.
“The purpose of life is to glorify God with all of our days” Is this just the stock answer that I grew up with, or is it my deepest desire? A grape, no matter how beautiful, cannot become a fine wine until it is pressed, crushed, and joined together with other grapes in the vat.
There will always be times when I struggle to learn and can’t hide, but I’m willing to ask the Lord to help me through every challenge and learn to enjoy them. Like a medical student who should not be satisfied with doing a skillful autopsy in a lab, when the purpose of his years of study is to serve the living. I know I am not able to do it on my own, but as I come to God, he will fill me and grant me ability, confidence, and courage from his infinite and almighty power.
In truth, it is always easier to run away than to face challenges, but fleeing from difficulties is not God’s will. I thank the Lord for protecting and keeping me in my work and in helping me find a church, and for giving me confidence and joy to rebuild my life.
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:13-16).
I would like to use my time now to further equip myself to no longer be afraid to live in the world, and to be the lamp on the lampstand, and to serve those who God places me among.
Vern was born into a Christian family, but did not really know God until after high school and college. He was baptized in his home church in 2011, studied in the UK in 2013, and returned to China in the fall of 2015.