By Zhuzhang Caoxie
本文中文版请见《举目》网站
From a young age, I was full of curiosity and confused about the world. I read many books and traveled to many places, never giving up my exploration. Yet, in this vast world, I struggled to understand the value of life; the complexities of human nature seemed incomprehensible.
Stepping Out of the Country
In 2013, after graduating from university, I was fortunate to receive a full scholarship for a PhD program in pharmacy in the United States. So I left my country and stepped into the larger world, continuing my journey of exploration.
At my American university, there was a Christian international student organization that welcomed overseas students. They often provided free lunches and took us on trips. I loved the atmosphere there and consistently participated in their activities. At that time, I found it hard to accept religion, yet I admired how they devoted so much time and energy to their faith. So I persisted in joining in events, striving to understand what they believed and making many Christian friends.
In the fourth year of my PhD studies, I interned at the U.S. FDA (Food and Drug Administration) in Maryland. That autumn, I suddenly heard that a good friend from my middle school days had committed suicide due to depression. I was facing interpersonal relationship challenges at that time, and the news about my friend pushed me into a season of depression.
Fortunately, at that time, I had joined a fellowship group at a local Chinese church. And in those very difficult days, God revealed himself to me. The companionship, support and counsel I received from the group made me feel God’s real presence. And I came to realize that He was in fact the Way, the Truth, and the Life—what I had been searching for over the past twenty-something years.
At Christmastime in 2016, I was baptized into the faith at a church in Maryland, beginning a new chapter in my life.
Deciding to Return
In 2018, I graduated with my PhD and started working at the FDA, even obtaining the enviable H1B work visa. Strangely, however, I developed a health challenge that was affecting my ability to do my job. It was dry-eye syndrome which I had been struggling with, but which was worsening. I saw many doctors , but was not seeing any improvement.
It was at this point that the idea of returning to China began to form in my mind. First, I heard that traditional Chinese medicine could cure my dry-eye. Second, I was tired of staring at a computer screen for long hours every day and actually had little interest in my job. Most importantly, after becoming a believer, a burden was growing in my heart—I wanted to return to China to teach and help more young people.
After praying for several months, though many around me were not supportive and I felt anxious myself, I clearly sensed God leading me to return to China. After contacting some organizations and hearing experienced fellow workers share their return stories and feelings, I was deeply moved and resolved to go back.
I first went back on a month-long “reconnaissance” trip. Then in September 2019, I officially resigned from my FDA job and left the United States. Although my heart ached to leave the brothers and sisters who had journeyed with me for three years, I needed to follow God’s leading.
International School
Upon returning, I started acupuncture treatments and quickly found a church. The brothers and sisters in the church welcomed me and were enthusiastic and eager, but gradually, I noticed the impact of differences in our backgrounds. I grew increasingly lonely and missed my past church life in the US.
When the 2020 pandemic struck, all activities shifted online. I was isolated at home for three months, and anxious about my future work. As the pandemic stabilized, I tried contacting non-profit organizations and educational institutions, volunteering at a Waldorf education kindergarten and an autism support organization. However, I found my background too specialized, making it hard to get started with basic tasks.
Through an introduction from a sister, I took a part-time biology teaching job at an international school near my home. I had to get familiar with international curricula.
During the work, I discovered that God had given me a great talent and creativity for teaching. I could naturally incorporate my reflections on life into biology lessons, helping students build an understanding of life sciences, while conveying biblical values. I taught there for two years and truly enjoyed this teaching role.
Falling in Love with the School
In the spring of 2022, my boyfriend and I broke up over various practical issues. I was experiencing deep pain at that time, I planned to leave my hometown. Coincidentally, Shanghai lifted its lockdowns, and a renowned international school urgently needed a teacher. During my interview with them, they offered me a contract on the spot. So, in the hot August summer, I headed to Shanghai with a sense of anticipation in my heart.
In the first month at the school, I fell in love with it—the British management system; the fusion of Eastern and Western cultures; the free, open, and inclusive teaching atmosphere; the broad-minded, highly capable students; the rich and diverse extracurricular activities… There were Christians among both colleagues and students, which made it feel especially warm and familiar.
The school assigned me five classes with over 100 students. I approached each day of teaching with full enthusiasm, meticulously designing every lesson, integrating elements of science, social sciences, arts, history, religion, and more into my biology lessons. Students in almost every class said they loved my lessons and enjoyed my teaching style. My interactions with students were excellent, and I could use those moments to inspire them to think about life issues.
I also joined the drama club and often attended students’ music, art, and sports events, building closer relationships with them.
I was deeply immersed in the life of the school. Though sometimes utterly exhausted, I felt truly happy.
Various Blows
Sadly, these good times did not last. For some reason, the school administration started picking on me. Once the principal lost his temper in front of me, claiming my classroom was too noisy and saying I lacked the ability to manage my students. I did have relatively little experience in the classroom, especially in dealing with unruly boys. This was certainly one of my weakness. As a result, I became increasingly tense and worried.
Fortunately, God kept reminding me to face problems with love and patience. I actively and diligently communicated with the students, being open and honest, hoping they would learn mutual respect and love. I also tried to give each student more encouragement and support.
At Christmas, I turned their drawn biology illustrations into postcards and wrote special blessing messages for each one… By the end of the semester, the discipline issues in that class were gradually resolved through mutual trust. I even built good relationships with the few “troublemaker” students.
At the start of the new semester, however, the school continued pressuring me. Though I spent a month preparing an open class that received positive feedback from students and teachers, the administration nitpicked endlessly, saying I didn’t understand biology at all. I was baffled and felt deeply wronged, with no idea what I had done to offend them.
In the end, the school asked me to resign, citing that I didn’t meet the school’s teacher requirements, yet providing no evidence. I was heartbroken and in tears, feeling all my efforts had gone down the drain. The thought of leaving the students I loved made me even sadder.
True Presence
Eventually, the truth emerged: last year, a foreign teacher at the school had failed to obtained their visa and couldn’t come back. Our department, which was all foreign teachers, temporarily hired me. Now that the teacher had been granted a visa, I was no longer needed.
The school lacked a reasonable evaluation mechanism for teachers and didn’t care about teachers’ investment in teaching and students, only in superficial work. The parents of students were rich and influential, and the parent committee had strong sway over many school decisions.
After understanding all this, I was utterly discouraged. I couldn’t comprehend why I was doing education, why God had led me to abandon everything in America to come back, giving me so many beautiful visions only for them to be shatter one by one. What was it all for?
Should I continue in education? Just as I was wrestling deeply inside, I received emails from Christian parents and students, sincerely thanking me for my efforts over the year. They said it was a great fortune to know me, and the students had received much inspiration about life in my classes. They hoped I would persevere in God’s calling and believed God would do great things through me.
After receiving these letters, I was profoundly moved. I felt God’s true presence with me and became increasingly clear about my mission.
I began searching for work at another school. The job-hunting process was full of ups and downs; I learned that many international schools underpay teachers. In the end, I accepted a position at a new school with a more institutionalized style. The reason was that their salary and workload were more reasonable compared to my previous school. Though I felt less comfortable there, I still had God’s peace taking the job.
To this day, I’ve been working at the new school for a year. Though it lacks the previous school’s enthusiasm and beauty, there are no major ups and downs—overall, it’s stable.
Huge Discrepancy
Upon leaving my previous school, I went through a process of brokenness and restoration.
I knew the call of God and hoped to witness using my gifts to glorify him through teaching. Yet when the school constantly made things difficult for me, when students spoke harshly, and parents were indifferent, I felt hurt and unworthy—even unwilling to be loving anymore.
Though the students were close to me at school, after leaving, my relationships with them faded. I then realized that the level of investment in relationship between us was very different. After parting, the students went on with their lives, while I was left feeling the deep loss of connection with them. I was in great pain.
I began to reflect: If I truly have a heart to serve God in education, do I need some kind of change?
The recognition and affection I received from students, along with the idolizing of that level of elite education, gave me a sense of satisfaction. It was only through the disappointments that I experienced that my unrealistic fantasies were shattered. It was only through these challenges that I was able to see how fragile and powerless I truly was!
From this, I came to understand that to bear witness to the Lord we cannot rely on our talents and charm, but must rely completely on God! The road ahead is still challenging, but I thank God for leading me along this path to truly knowing Him.
Discouragement or Elevation?
It’s been nearly five years since I returned to China, yet it seems like a mere blink of the eye. From a worldly standpoint, I’ve made almost no progress or achievements in my career. I’m still single, and I switched to a new field without much success. I did find a job that I love, but it is also full of challenges and difficulties. These realities can be discouraging.
However, I realize without these experiences, I never would have discovered that I was suited to be a teacher. I would never have seen that my knowledge, personality, and thinking abilities make me a good teacher who can inspire children and that I can be a vessel to share gospel. I would never have imagined that so many young lives would be willing to trust me and share their lives with me.
I often complain to the Lord: “God, why have you made me face such challenges in my life?” I feel lonely and struggle day by day, always wanting to escape back abroad. And I lament that it is so hard to find a husband. Yet, whenever I recall the bits and pieces of my experience, and the unexpected grace God has given me in every difficulty, I have no regrets—only boundless gratitude remains!
Thank You, Lord, for bringing me back to the land of my birth and upbringing, to connect with children of the same cultural background. Thank you for enabling me recognize the corruption and waywardness of those who don’t know you, and for teaching me to no longer to rely on worldly pleasures, to truly understand what faith is, and to rely more deeply on the eternal, unchanging hope you offer us.
The author is a returnee from the US, currently engaged in educational work. The Chinese version of this article can be found on the Behold website.